Everyday is a struggle for me. It is a struggle between what I want to eat, what I know I should eat, and what I allow myself to put in my mouth. I know that I am NOT alone in this. Food is such a difficult part of losing weight and being healthy for me. I know I could spend 20 hours a day in the gym sweating through every piece of clothing I own, but if I don't change my eating habits, it is all for naught. I am just not one of those very lucky people who can work out just a little bit and go home and eat an entire plate of biscuits and gravy. I wish I were.
This morning was my local MOPS meeting. I absolutely love this group and these ladies. They are all so good for my soul! One of the best parts of MOPS is the HOT breakfast that you get to eat without short people clinging on your arms demanding you get them ketchup, or a drink, or crying that they don't like spaghetti anymore even though they are the ones that requested it. (Can you tell what has been happening at my house lately!?) My problem with MOPS breakfast is that while it is awesome and yummy and something I normally would LOVE to eat, when watching my calories, it is not always the best decision. Before I go on, please let me state that a lot of careful planning goes into those breakfasts. My sweet friend is the one in charge of it and she does an incredible job, so this is NOT a complaint about her or the breakfasts. It actually isn't a complaint at ALL, it is just a struggle that I had this morning. So, my friend Jen, if you read this, please know that you are awesome and I so appreciate all of the hard work you put into those MOPS breakfasts and I know I am not alone in that! All that said, I knew that it would probably be a good idea to go ahead and eat something before I went this morning so I wouldn't stress about whether or not I should eat something. So, that is what I did and it was a great plan and I succeeded in not eating any of the amazing looking and smelling food. I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat it. I didn't even try any of it. My downfall came when I was asked if I wanted to take some of the leftovers home. I said yes, thinking the kids could have it for breakfast in the morning (or for dinner tonight if I don't make anything else!). What I didn't prepare myself for was the fact that I was bringing cookies into my house. Yes, cookies. Not smart Theresa.
I left MOPS and went to the gym. Didn't even think about those cookies. Came home and ate lunch. Still, didn't think about those cookies. M asked for a snack. I thought about the cookies. I then thought more about the cookies. Before I knew it, I was opening up the Ziplock bag and taking out a cookie. I almost put it in my mouth without even consciously acknowledging what I was doing. That is how simple it is for me to fall off track. All it took was one cookie eaten without acknowledging that it was being eaten. I'm sure someone is saying, "Theresa, it is just a freaking cookie." I agree, it is just a cookie, an estimated 75 calories (there was no frosting!) that would taste fantastic. Yes, yes it is. My problem is not actually with the cookie. I had the 75 calories that I could eat the cookie and it wouldn't throw off my day. My problem lies in the fact that I wasn't even paying attention. My mind thought of the cookie and my body went to go get it. Without putting thought into what I am eating, I eat without care and I know that one cookie would have easily led to 2 and maybe even three.
Now, I will tell you I DID eat the cookie. I know that NEVER letting myself "indulge" or enjoying little things every now and then will set me back further than anything. There was a HUGE change of thought though that occurred in my brain though in the course of about 60 seconds as I sat there with my hand in that cookie bag. As I looked at what I was doing, I pulled my hand out of the bag. I took a deep breath. I asked myself, "do you really need this cookie or would a piece of fruit be better? Is this the best idea?" I took another deep breath. Then, I said to myself, "Yes, a piece of fruit would be better. However I really would like to have a cookie. I have had no sweets today and I have the calories. I am going to willingly eat ONE cookie, enjoy it, then walk away." So, I ate the cookie. I ate it slowly and savored each bite. It was a really good one too, with the edges a little darker and crispier than the center. I consciously ate the cookie. I was fully aware of what I was doing and what I was putting in my mouth. I do not regret it. When I was finished, I was finished, and did not need another one. That is a win for me. And yes, that was truly the conversation I had with myself in my kitchen!
I'm sure someone reading this is thinking I am making a really big deal about a cookie. But, that person may not have the issue I have with food. Or if they do, they do not realize it. In my journey, I am really trying to focus on where my troubles lie. Food is a big trouble for me. I would like to think that there will come a time in my life when I do not have to contemplate every single thing I eat, but right now I do. I have to weigh the consequences of each and every bite. Am I eating because I am truly hungry or am I bored? Am I hungry or thirsty? I am craving sweets, do I have to have a sweet or will some fruit cover it? Am I PMSing or just emotional? Am I using food as a control in my life when everything else is chaotic? I am an emotional eater. I easily use food as a reward for different things I accomplish in my life. I am really trying to break that cycle. So, in that way, it really was a big deal about a cookie.
Are there things that you do without acknowledging them? Is it eating? Is it something else? Does it affect you in a negative way? Everything is done with intention, is it with good intentions or not so good intentions? Tomorrow I challenge you to truly acknowledge everything you do. If you can't do it for a whole day, try an hour. Be conscious of every action. Be aware of every decision. How are these things affecting you? Let me know!
Blessings!
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