To Try Or Not To Try

I have come up with a dilemma.  It is really only a dilemma because I make it one.  Other people may not stress about these kind of things, but I do.  Before I started on this journey, I took all the clothes out of my closet that I was too big for.  If I couldn't wear it, then it didn't stay in the closet.  For complete honesty sake, I took out about 3 large Rubbermaid tubs full of clothes.  That is a lot of clothes to own and to not be able to get into them.  They have been sitting in the garage and I look at them every day.  There are some nice clothes in there.  I also had a sweet friend give me several large bags of really nice clothes that she thought would be good transition clothes for me.  All those clothes are waiting on me to wear them.

There in lies the dilemma.  A lot of my clothes are too big.  After losing almost 50 pounds, this is expected.  It is a good problem to have, I realize this.  The dilemma is that I am scared to death to try on any of those clothes.  What if they still don't fit?  What if I am still too big for them?  Am I going to do more harm to my mental state if I try them on and they don't fit than if I sit here and stress about it?  Is it really too big of a deal if a lot of those items don't fit?  Logically I know that it really isn't a big deal.  If they don't fit now, they may fit next month or in 2 months.  I KNOW that.  But, it physically terrifies me to think that I will try them on and they will not fit.  So the clothes sit in their Rubbermaid tubs and wait.  They wait on me to be brave and I'm not sure when that day will come.  It scares me.  What if that day never comes?  What if I am not brave?  What if everything I am doing is not good enough to get me where I want to be?

When I started blogging about my journey, I knew I wanted to be honest in my postings.  When I was having good days, I wanted to tell you about that.  When I was struggling, I wanted to be up front about the difficult times in changing my life.  Making changes is difficult.  Making changes is scary.  Actually, making changes is terrifying.  The physical part of these changes are much easier to make than the mental changes.  The mental changes are sometimes scary enough to make me want to curl up in a ball in the back of my closet filled with the clothes that are too big for me.  Those mental changes I pray daily about.  I know that I can handle the physical stuff and that my brain will quit long before my body will.  I know that.  I know that I can eat healthy and make those changes.  What scares me is that my brain will never catch up and realize that these changes are for good.  Will my brain ever look in the mirror and believe that what it sees is good enough? Will any of it ever be good enough?

For now, know that I am praying about these changes.  I am working towards that better mental state.  I WILL be able to be brave.  Until then, if you see me pulling up my jeans, just know that I am working on it.  Those clothes in the tubs won't remain there forever.  

Faith.  Courage.  Strength.  Change.

Blessings!