Losing it!

Like most women I know, I struggle HUGELY with my weight, but even more so with my self-image.  I am not happy with the person who looks out at me from the mirror.  There are days I don't even want to look in the mirror.  I know that I am a good person.  I know I am a child of God and he made me beautiful. I know that I am kind and loving and that it is more important what is on the inside than the outside.  Yes, I know all that.  But, when I see myself, I have a really difficult time believing any of it.

When I look at myself, I see a fat mom.  I really hate that word, don't you?  How can I expect others not to call me that when I have a difficult time not calling myself that word?  The worst part is that every time I call myself fat, I get mad at myself for even thinking it. But then, I look in the mirror and I want to cry.  I would NEVER allow my children to call someone bad names, and I would never call someone else bad names, but I call myself those things?  Craziness.  This is something I have battled with my entire life.  I get motivated and I lose weight, but then I always gain it all back, usually plus more.  The worst part is that I KNOW that being heavy and yo-yo-ing every couple of years is worse for me that just being overweight.  A couple of years ago, after I had M, I lost about 65 pounds.  I felt better than I have since I was in High School.  Unfortunately, I have gained every single pound back, plus about 25 more.  It disgusts me.  I think the worst part of it is that I know I am being a horrible example to my children, especially the girls.  I want them to be healthy, but I don't every want them to feel as badly about themselves as I do about myself.  I want them to always feel like the beautiful children of God that they are and to be confident in themselves and in the young women they are too quickly becoming.

With the start of the new year, I, like many decided to make a New Year Resolution.  My husband and I had long discussions about the things we needed to change and what we wanted to do.  I decided that a Resolution was not what I needed to make.  I NEEDED to make a change.  A true change.  A life change.  So, that is what I am going to do.  I am acknowledging up front that I might stumble and I might have set backs, but this time I am making a change and committing to that change.  I WANT to change.  I want to be the person God planned for me to be and I really feel I am not doing that right now.  That is going to change.

I am watching my calories and I am working out.  Those things are given I think.  But, I am also trying to change the way I think.  I'm trying to stop calling myself bad names.  I'm going to turn to scripture when I feel badly or need a boost.  I'm going to learn to love myself.  I am changing.  Be prepared for upcoming posts regarding my new life.  I might even try the whole vlogging thing!  I'm excited for this change.  I'm scared, but I know that God, my husband, and my heart are behind me!