Real Choices. Real Changes. Real Life.

Last week, I turned 35 years old.  Last week, I went from having to check the 25-34 year old box to the 35-39 year old one.  Last week I really reflected on my life.  I reflected on all of the highs, the lows, and most of all the amazing in my life.

Most definitely, there have been lows in my life.  There have been times I have been lower than low.  There have been times when I've wanted to just let it all go.  There have been times I've had to say good-bye to some of the most important people in my life.  There have been times I have cried myself to sleep.  Times I have wondered what all of it means and what the point of all of it is.  There have been times that I have been so angry at God I started to walk away.

But then, there are so, so many more times that the highs in my life completely outweighed the lows. There are times in my life that are so filled with happiness that my heart could barely contain it.  Even those low times, I can think of moments in them that were so filled with joy.  Times when tears of sadness and despair turned to tears of laughter.  At funerals when everyone is so sad, but all it takes is a mention of a memory. Then there are those times of utmost joy when there is no sadness.  Moments in my life that changed my life are filled with so much happiness.  Seeing my babies come into this world.  The moment E walked into that bar and tapped me on the shoulder.  The moment when we first saw that positive pregnancy test. Finishing my very first REAL knitted item (probably only crafters will get what a joy this is). Crossing the finish line on my first 5K, then on my first 10K.  Pressing up 135 pounds and then walking a 5K faster than I have ever ran one. Watching friends walk down the aisle. Meeting new friends and instantly knowing what an important part of my life they will become or even more surprisingly having NO idea what an important part of my life they will become! Even saying good-bye to loved ones has moments of joy as I know they have gone on to be with the Lord. That moment when I realized that even when I wanted to walk away from Him, He saw me, He knew me, He loved me, and He called me back.  Seeing the amazing.  Isn't that what this life is all about?

Since this blog is mainly about my journey to be the best me possible, I've been thinking about what turning 35 means for this journey.  I know that at 35, I feel better than I have EVER felt in my ENTIRE life.  And I mean that completely literally, this is the BEST I have ever been.  Now, that does not mean that anything that came before this was bad.  It absolutely was not.  I have had a very good life.  I have people that love me, I have 3 amazing children who fill me with joy every day.  I have this incredible husband who I am blessed to wake up to every day.  I have had a very good life.  But, in the past year, I have come to realize that it could be even better.  So, that is what I set out to do.  I wanted my life to be the absolute best I could make it.  I did not ever want to wake up and look in the mirror and think that there was a chance that I did not live this blessed life to the absolute fullest.

You know where I am going with this.  If you have been reading my blog, following me on Facebook or Twitter, or just listening to pretty much anything I have talked about in the past 8 months, you know that I have changed my life.  I did not do it alone.  I have had major help along the way.  My husband changed his right a long with me.  We did this together.  I have taken advice from people much wiser than myself.  I have given in to the process of change, knowing that not every day will be perfect, but every day will be BETTER.  And what better means changes daily.  Every day I have to re-evaluate what I want my life to look like.  Every day I give everything I am doing over to God and ask for His help.  HE set me on this path, this path to make my life the life HE wanted for me.  I have no doubt that that is what I am doing and I want to make sure that HE is a part of every bit of it.

So when I say that this is the best I have ever felt, I mean not just physically, but also mentally, emotionally, and most importantly spiritually.  This life is only going to get better.  35 is just a number.  I don't look 35.  I definitely don't feel 35.  35 looks better than 30 did.  And, 30 looked pretty good.  So, I say this to you.  When you look at your life, are you where you want to be? Are you where HE wants you to be? Are you listening to those around you who might be a little wiser? Are you listening to that still small voice inside of you telling you HE loves you and wants everything for you? If changes need to be made, are you making them? Those changes aren't always physical, believe me, I know that.  If you see me, you see the physical changes, but you have no idea how much work is being done on the inside, and honestly, that is even more important to me.

Many people have asked me how I have done what I have done, but in the next breath say, "Oh, I just don't have time right now."  I tell them, that's okay, you will know when it is your time.  It took me a LONG time to come to terms, to listen, and to OBEY.  That is a difficult word to get, even more difficult to follow.  But, that is what I did.  I came to terms with what I was doing to my life (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually), I listened, and then I tried to obey.  I don't always get it perfect, heck, I don't always get it right.  Some days, I get it TOTALLY wrong.  But, I keep trying.  And in the end, that is all any of us can do.  Try.  Because what better example can we give our children, our friends, our family, ourselves?  TRY.

May you be blessed.

FAITH. COURAGE. STRENGTH. CHANGE.

20 Weeks!

In 20 weeks, my life has changed.  It is utterly amazing to me how every single aspect of my life has improved since January.  Don't get me wrong, I still have crappy days just like everyone else.  There are still days when I just want to dig into the chocolate and peanut butter (sometimes I even give in to that craving!).  But, when I look at my life and all of the amazing things God has blessed me with, I can't help but shake my head in wonder.  In January, I prayed.  I prayed that He would help me find a way to make myself healthier, happier, a better mom, a better wife, and a better friend.  I prayed that if He wanted me to move in this direction that He would provide the path.  And has He ever.

In 20 weeks, I have lost over 50 pounds, but I have GAINED oh so much more.  I have seen my body do things I had no idea it would ever do again.  I have lifted pounds that I haven't been able to do since I was a senior in High School.  I have found a love for spinning and rowing and even the elliptical machine.  Running around with my kids kicking a soccer ball no longer makes me feel like I am going to keel over dead.  Watching my body in the mirror has started to make me smile a little bit instead of feeling like I should be ashamed of what it looks like.  I have realized that there are some parts of my body that will never change even after I hit my goals, those stretch marks are here to stay.  And you know what?  That is okay, because each one of those marks is a reminder of the three beautiful children I was blessed to bring in to this world.

I have learned so much about food, it is almost ridiculous.  In the past, I have tried diets like the South Beach Diet and Weight Watchers.  Yes, I lost weight.  No, I was never able to keep it up.  Restricting my foods just does not work for me.  I LOVE to eat.  And I LOVE food.  Always have, always will.  I am a meat and potatoes kind of girl, not a salad chick.  What I have found is that telling myself I CAN'T have something only makes me want it more.  So, I quit telling myself that.  I quit dieting and instead found a way of life.  I still eat cookies.  I still eat steaks.  Heck, last night I had cheese ravioli with alfredo sauce from Puccini's.  What I have changed is HOW I eat.  I no longer need to smother my ravioli in the alfredo sauce.  I can have it on the side and just have a small amount.  If I DO have a salad, it does NOT need to be drenched in dressing.  I can even have REAL dressing if I want and just not drown my salad in it.  These are things anyone wanting to lose weight hears just about all the time.  But, until you really understand how it affects YOU, it is not going to click.  For me, it finally clicked.  The ONLY thing that I no longer consume is soda.  I really paid attention to how it was making me feel and figured out that it was something I really needed to get rid of in my life.  I am glad that I did.  Sometimes does it suck to choose yogurt over pie?  Yes, of course it does.  But, sometimes, that choice must be made.  Sometimes it is OK to have the pie, but it is NOT OK to choose pie every time.

The funny thing in all this is that once you start getting healthier and feeling better about yourself, so many other things in life seem so much better.  My relationship with my husband is stronger than it has ever been.  We are in this life together and we are making it the best it can be.  My relationship with my children is awesome because I have the energy to spend the time with them that I need to and that THEY need me to.  Yes, I still get frustrated with them.  Yes, they still get yelled at.  I'm human.  But, I can tolerate the little things so much better now.  Most stress I feel gets beat out of me at the gym.  When you aren't getting upset at the short people in your house, you find that they really are a LOT of fun!

I hope that I have become a better friend too.  I try really hard not to make every single conversation anyone has with me about my journey.  Sometimes, it is inevitable, especially when someone else brings it up.  But, I feel like since I feel better about myself, I can listen better to others.  Does that make sense?  I hope this is true anyway, because I have the most amazing friends and I want to be as good to them as they are to me!

My biggest and most favorite growth though has been in my relationship with Christ.  He has pushed me and challenged me in ways I would have never imagined.  When He started me on this path, I was terrified.  I was scared I would fail and let myself down.  Or even worse I would let everyone else including Him down.  What I didn't realize is this: "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it."  So very true.  By inviting Him fully into my meals, my workouts, my conversations, my life I have found so much more purpose and strength.  He is with me through every single step, push up, and bicep curl.  He pushes me, He encourages me, He celebrates me.  He is just awesome.

So, bottom line, what have I learned in 20 weeks?  Here is my top 10 list:

10. When you lose weight and commit to being healthy, people will ask you a lot of questions and assume you are an expert.  It is OK to give you opinion and share what you have learned.  But, remember you are NOT a trainer or a doctor.  It is okay to remind them of that.

9. Sometimes your body does need rest.  You are NOT weak if you take this rest.  Just don't let the rest last TOO long.

8. Occasionally you need a treat.  Swiss Cake Rolls are pretty good at fulfilling that.

7. Don't be afraid to brag about your successes, it is an awesome feeling when the world (and by world I mean friends and Facebook) celebrates with you.

6. When someone compliments you, say "thank you".  Anything else is unnecessary and either demeaning to you or them.  (Totally still working on this one!!)

5. Diet is a bad word, don't use it.  For that matter, so is skinny and fat.  Let them go.

4.  In the weight room, men are actually much more encouraging to women than you think they would be.  Don't be afraid of them.  Sure, you will have the occasional one who looks at you either with annoyance or to check you out, but most just think it is cool to see a girl not afraid to lift.  It is OK to be strong!

3.  Don't be afraid to try a new class or exercise.  Your butt, arms, legs, and every single muscle might hurt like crazy the next day and sitting down to go to the bathroom will be all but impossible.  But, I promise, the second time you do it, you will be AWESOME!

2. I am absolutely worth this.  So is my family and so are my friends.  We all deserve the best me that I can be.

1.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.  Philippians 4:13, NIV

I do want to say thank you to everyone who has been following me on this journey so far.  Thanks for keeping me honest and encouraged.  Thanks for reading, thanks for praying.  Thanks for the good thoughts, and the occasional kick in the butt.  Thank you.  I still have a long way to go.  This is not a perfect journey, but it is my journey.  And I am beyond proud and excited to be making it.

To finish, here are some pics of my journey so far!

New Year's Eve, 2013 (It isn't a great pic, but it is the only one I could find with a full body shot.  Obviously, I was less than thrilled to have my picture taken and have sort of shielded my body with L's.)

4 Weeks In!

8 Weeks In!

12 Weeks!

16 Weeks!

20 Weeks!!

FAITH. COURAGE. STRENGTH. CHANGE.

We Have GOT To Stop!

Ladies (And Men!) I have noticed something lately.  This is something that I know I am guilty of doing, but it is something that we all HAVE to stop doing.

FAT. CHUBBY. THICK. BIG. CHUNKY. PUDGY. LARGE.

How many times each day do you call yourself one of these words or something similar?  Or what about one of these?

STUPID. UGLY. DUMB. DITZY. FOOLISH. HIDEOUS. HORRIBLE.

I have really been listening the past couple of weeks and these are all words that I have heard at least one woman call herself out loud.  This makes me so sad.  We call ourselves words that we wouldn't even begin to think about calling someone else.  We insult ourselves so easily.  We don't even think twice about using these retched words to describe our bodies and our minds.

I found this image on Google.  I don't know how to "reference" it,

so please give me grace for not giving credit to whoever originally did it.

I have been running this line from the movie "Mean Girls" through my head all day because it is so true.  When we so easily insult ourselves, we give permission for other people to insult us.  I like to read stories that pop up on Facebook about people that have worked really hard to lose weight or make themselves healthier.  It gives me hope.  What gets me though is that there is always at least one person (commonly referred to as a "troll" in internet land) who feels the need to put down this person who has worked so hard.  When I see those negative posts, I get pretty upset.  Then I often will go back and read the original "success" story and so many times I will find a point in the story that the person refers to herself as "fat" or "chubby" or some other word like that.  By using that type of language to describe herself, she just gives permission to the "troll" to use that type of language.  By showing even just a small amount of extra confidence (and it does take confidence to NOT use those words, have no doubt about it) and choosing NOT to call ourselves these types of negative words, we take back control.  And by taking back that control, it becomes much less acceptable for others to call us these types of negative words.

Do you know what is also cool about NOT describing yourself as "fat" or "stupid" of "ugly"?  If you stop calling yourself that out loud, then your brain will start getting with the program and it MIGHT just stop thinking these things!  The biggest part of my journey has been learning that these words are just unacceptable.  They are unacceptable for me to say to others and even more unacceptable for me to say to myself.  I am more than these words.  You are more than these words.  We have to believe this.  We are worth it.  God made us the way we are.  He loves us.  Our friends and family love us.  Love yourself.  Believe in yourself.  Quit calling yourself names!!

Faith. Courage. Strength. Change.

Blessings!

To Try Or Not To Try

I have come up with a dilemma.  It is really only a dilemma because I make it one.  Other people may not stress about these kind of things, but I do.  Before I started on this journey, I took all the clothes out of my closet that I was too big for.  If I couldn't wear it, then it didn't stay in the closet.  For complete honesty sake, I took out about 3 large Rubbermaid tubs full of clothes.  That is a lot of clothes to own and to not be able to get into them.  They have been sitting in the garage and I look at them every day.  There are some nice clothes in there.  I also had a sweet friend give me several large bags of really nice clothes that she thought would be good transition clothes for me.  All those clothes are waiting on me to wear them.

There in lies the dilemma.  A lot of my clothes are too big.  After losing almost 50 pounds, this is expected.  It is a good problem to have, I realize this.  The dilemma is that I am scared to death to try on any of those clothes.  What if they still don't fit?  What if I am still too big for them?  Am I going to do more harm to my mental state if I try them on and they don't fit than if I sit here and stress about it?  Is it really too big of a deal if a lot of those items don't fit?  Logically I know that it really isn't a big deal.  If they don't fit now, they may fit next month or in 2 months.  I KNOW that.  But, it physically terrifies me to think that I will try them on and they will not fit.  So the clothes sit in their Rubbermaid tubs and wait.  They wait on me to be brave and I'm not sure when that day will come.  It scares me.  What if that day never comes?  What if I am not brave?  What if everything I am doing is not good enough to get me where I want to be?

When I started blogging about my journey, I knew I wanted to be honest in my postings.  When I was having good days, I wanted to tell you about that.  When I was struggling, I wanted to be up front about the difficult times in changing my life.  Making changes is difficult.  Making changes is scary.  Actually, making changes is terrifying.  The physical part of these changes are much easier to make than the mental changes.  The mental changes are sometimes scary enough to make me want to curl up in a ball in the back of my closet filled with the clothes that are too big for me.  Those mental changes I pray daily about.  I know that I can handle the physical stuff and that my brain will quit long before my body will.  I know that.  I know that I can eat healthy and make those changes.  What scares me is that my brain will never catch up and realize that these changes are for good.  Will my brain ever look in the mirror and believe that what it sees is good enough? Will any of it ever be good enough?

For now, know that I am praying about these changes.  I am working towards that better mental state.  I WILL be able to be brave.  Until then, if you see me pulling up my jeans, just know that I am working on it.  Those clothes in the tubs won't remain there forever.  

Faith.  Courage.  Strength.  Change.

Blessings!

A Deep Breath

This past weekend was an incredibly amazing one, but it was a VERY busy one.  Lots of stress, lots of chances for binge eating, and not a lot of chances to get to the gym.  But, we kept on, made it through, and came out stronger on this end.  Our weekend started on Friday night with a great game for my sweet L.  She made a GREAT save as goalie and was so proud of herself.  On Saturday, we started with J's game and she played very well.  We came home and started cleaning out the kids' closets and boy did we clean!  We weeded out 5 garbage bags full of clothes and some toys as well.  Then, onto L's second game.  The girls played so well and I was so proud of L.  Before the game, we had discussed that she could be aggressive and still be a good sport.  During the game, L was playing defense and she hip-checked a girl and knocked the other girl down.  I'm sure someone will think that I shouldn't be so proud of her for knocking down a girl, but for my sweet, sweet daughter to be even a little aggressive was a HUGE step in the right direction.  She did feel a little bad for knocking someone down, but you could see the pride in her eyes.  On Sunday, we started the day with a regular mass, then we prepared for L's First Communion.  She looked so beautiful and did such a great job.  She did a reading and was confident, not bad for a girl with some stage fright!

My sweet L standing in front of our church's garden.

My beautiful family, I'm so blessed!

There was so much that happened during the service yesterday, it would take me forever to tell you all about it.  Suffice it to say, it was an amazing day and I was so proud of her!!  After her First Communion, we geared back up for our 4th soccer game of the weekend.  L's team was on again and they played the best we have seen them all season.  The girls one 5-1 and although she didn't score any, L had 2 awesome shots on goal that missed by mere inches.  She played hard and did a great job!!  Needless to say, it was a long weekend, but was worth every moment!

I was pretty proud of myself though, there was cake at her First Communion Reception and I didn't have any.  I love cake, so that is a big deal.  I did have a small cookie, but only a small one. :)  I tried to stick to my plan for the weekend and did pretty well.  I wasn't able to get to the gym Saturday or Sunday, but I did do my challenge exercises, so I got some movement in.

I worked out my lower body this morning, and I have started adding in some stair running.  That is an experience.  I am quite clutzy, so I have to really pay attention to what I am doing.  Today, I did 15 lunges, quickly went down the stairs, walked 1/4 mile in the gym, ran back up the stairs and did 15 more lunges.  Then I repeated that circuit.  I ran out of time, but hopefully Wednesday I can get at least 2 more sets of that in.  It was difficult, but felt great when I was done.   I should probably add that I've done 270 squats today too! My butt is going to look so good!

I get asked a lot about what I eat, and I've tried giving you a pretty good idea of my general nutrition intake.  But, because I believe in full disclosure, I feel the need to tell you I just ate a bunch of chocolate and peanut butter.  No, it was not healthy.  No, it probably wasn't the best choice.  But, sometimes cravings get the best of you and for the sake of your sanity, you go with it.  I think I'm good for awhile now.  I have no guilt about eating it.  I was fully aware of what I was doing.  I made the choice and it was my choice alone.  Now, I move on, I recognize a slip and know that I no longer eat that way every day.  To quote Elsa, I "Let It Go."

I finish today's post by showing you this lovely picture taken yesterday of my sweet husband and me.  He looks so serious, but he really is very funny!  I love him greatly!

Faith. Courage. Strength. Change.

Challenge!!

I do a lot of skulking around Pinterest and have lots of different boards, but one of my favorites to go back through and look at is my "A Shape Other Than Round" Board.  I have SO many workouts saved on there that it is great just for inspiration if nothing else.   Some of the workouts that I have pinned on there are 30 day challenges to increase the number of push ups or squats or other exercises that you can do.  I have tried to do these type of things before and sometimes I have worked my way through them.  I have obviously been working hard.  But, I really like to keep things mixed up and exciting so I do not get bored.  Also, the dreaded swimsuit season is right around the corner (the horror!).  So, the other day I decided that I was going to kick it up just a notch and put in some extra work.  I also thought this would be a great chance to hit my 50 push ups and 5 minute plank goal that I set at the beginning of this journey.  I looked through all of these different challenges and put together one that would be difficult, but doable.  It includes different movements to help build strength.  I plan on doing these exercises as an INCREASE to things I am already doing.  They will not take the place of my current plan, but will add to it.

I put it out on Facebook that I was doing this and asked if anyone wanted to join me.  I was OVERWHELMED by the response.  There are so many friends that want to join me on this journey and either bump up their hard work or to get themselves motivated.  I LOVE IT!!!  It is so exciting to be a part of this with these amazing people.  I even made a FB group and invited them all.  I had people posting to me first thing this morning that they had already completed their Day 1 workout!

I finished my Day 1 workout this morning after a KILLER rowing class and then a vicious spinning class.  I was pretty much wiped by the time I was done, but I was really excited because I was able to do the 5 push ups on my toes!  Woo Hoo!  If you want to take part, please let me know and I will clue you in.  This was today's workout:

50 Squats
5 Push ups
20 Second Plank
20 Second Wall Sit
5 Sit ups
25 Crunches

Think you are up for it?  Of course you are!!

So, the killer rowing class and vicious spinning class that I just mentioned were just that.  Killer and vicious.  In rowing class, we did some different things than we have been doing.  We did some new races which were fun and fast.  I was pulling 100 meters in 19 seconds.  I pulled 150 meters in about 30 seconds.  That is pulling pretty fast.  Our instructor said we weren't going to do a 500 split race.  After the class, we all stretched and cooled down.  Apparently though, we all got hit with the idiot stick and decided that we needed to do a 500 split race on our own.  So, we did.  I didn't pull as quickly on it as I have been, but I was still under 2 minutes which I am happy with.  Then I went to spinning and I don't know if it was because of the rough rowing class or if spinning was just exceptionally difficult today, but about 20 minutes in I hit the dreaded WALL.  I truly thought there was no way my legs would turn any more.  I thought about stopping and being done.  Thankfully, I was working with an AWESOME instructor and she is so motivating.  I knew there was no way she would let me quit.  She was encouraging and helped me keep my head in the game.  I busted through the wall and even set a new high for myself at 150 rpms!  I have NEVER done that.  I was pretty excited!  I just kept going.

The biggest thing that I did was this: I prayed that the Lord would help me bust through and stick it out. I continued to pray though out the rest of the Spin class to finish strong.   Some people may be thinking that these are silly things to be praying about and that God has better things to do than help me get through a class at the gym. I say that God loves me and He put me on this path and journey.  He knows me and He supports me.  He LOVES watching me succeed and He is there for me when I need Him (and even when I don't know that I do!).  It is because of God that I am where I am and I will gratefully take HIS support in EVERYTHING I do.  I hope that you will too.  If you are struggling in anything you are doing, then I suggest talking with Him.  He will show you what you need to do and where you need to go.  He will be with you, all you have to do is ask!

Have a wonderful day!

Faith. Courage. Strength. Change.
(I think this is going to be my new motto.  What do you think?)

Take The Time

One question I get asked a lot since I started my journey in this new life is this:

"How do you have the time to work out and do all of the things you are doing?"

The answer to that is simple.  I am making the time.  Yes, I am blessed to be a Stay At Home Mom, so my schedule is a little more flexible that some.  But, I still have 3 kids and a husband to wrangle and 2 of those kids in a soccer schedule that I have to keep straight.  That is not always an easy thing to do.  I also volunteer a lot at church, I am on the leadership team for my MOPS group, in a Bible Study, and I volunteer as much as I can at the girls' school.  I also am in a knitting group and am a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant.  I am on the go a lot.  I am also very blessed to have a husband who is EXTREMELY supportive of me and helps me make the time to do what I need to do.

But, again, the answer to the original question is simple.  I make the time.

I write my time in the gym into my calendar.  I write it in ink so it is a permanent part of my schedule.  When I see it there and I can't erase it, I know I need to go.  If it means that I go at 9 o'clock at night, that that is when I go.  If I absolutely can not get to the gym, then I work out at home.  I do a video, I find something on Pinterest to do, or I just make it up as I go.  But I do SOMETHING.

I take my kids with me to the gym.  I am lucky to belong to a gym that has child-care so they can play while I work out.  I explain everything I am doing on this journey to my children.  They understand that Mommy wants to be healthy so I can do more things with them and be around for a very long time.  A healthier mommy means a healthier life for them and I am working very hard to make them see that.  I do not want any of them (especially my daughters) to think that I am doing this to be skinny or anything like that.  I want to be healthy, happy, and strong.  That is one of the best lessons I can teach them.

If I go to soccer practice, we take the bikes so the kids can ride their bikes and I can walk.  They get exercise and so do I.  Win Win.

I'm sure that there are people out there that think I am not being fair to my kids when I make them go play at the gym.  I know that there are Moms out there that feel a lot of guilt anytime they take the time to do something for themselves.  I'm going to say this simply.  Get over it.  What good are you doing anyone if you aren't taking care of yourself?  I ask that as someone who spent a long time not taking care of myself.

One day at MOPS, we had a speaker.  It was my sweet friend Natalie Snapp and you can read her wonderful writing at Embracing Life Just South Of Perfect.  Natalie was telling us why we needed to take care of ourselves.  It makes our lives at home much easier.  It makes us less angry and much more patient.  Sometimes just 5 minutes of peace and quiet and relaxation will make us a new woman.  I won't go into everything Natalie talked about, mainly because I think you should really listen to her speak it if you have the chance, but also because there is no way I can do her wonderful wisdom justice.  But, the main thing that I want to share with you that she spoke about that really struck a cord in me was this: Your body is a temple.

Have you heard that before?  I have.  I never truly understood what that phrase meant until Natalie explained it.  Again, her words are much more eloquent than my own, but I will do my best.  I have opened my heart to the Lord Jesus.  He resides in my heart.  Therefore, my earthly body which holds the heart that Jesus resides in is in fact a temple, as real a temple as any church.  It is my responsibility to treat this temple body with as much respect as I would a church.  I would never desecrate a church, why on earth would I do so to my body?  But, that is exactly what I was doing.  By filling my body with junk, by sitting on the couch and never trying to keep my body healthy, I was NOT honoring the temple God gave me.

I pray I am honoring Him now.

Blessings.

12 Weeks!!

Wow! 12 weeks have passed since I started my new life.  I have learned so much about myself and about the amazing people around me in the past 12 weeks.  I have had ups and downs and smiles and tears.  I have learned that life is amazing and that I can always go on, even when I feel like I can't.  I thought to celebrate my 12 weeks progress, I would tell you the things I have been able to accomplish and some things I have learned along the way.

I have lost 36.2 pounds in 12 weeks!  I am trying really hard to not place much focus on my actual number of weight loss, but I have to admit that number makes me pretty freaking happy.  My goal was 35 pounds in 12 weeks, so I am even happier that I beat that goal!

I can bench press 90 pounds!  I have a pretty big goal of being able to easily do 135, but 90 is a great start.  And for the record, that is 12 reps of 90 pounds AFTER I have already done 2 sets of 12 reps at a slightly smaller weight.

I can leg press 150 pounds.  I really have no idea if that is a good weight, but I am excited to see that number go up and up.

I can row over 10 miles at a time!  It may take me a while, but I can do it.  I did do it!

I have started spinning.  It hurts my butt and sometimes makes me feel like I am uncoordinated buffoon. But, I keep going.  I may not be able to go as fast as everyone else, but I keep going.  I feel good when I am done and it makes me happy to accomplish it!

I can use the elliptical machine for 15 minutes straight.  That may not seem like much to someone, but it took me a while to be able to do that and I am proud of it.

My singing has improved with being in better shape.  My lung capacity has gotten better which means I can hold notes for longer and it has increased my range.  Very cool stuff.

My confidence level has increased so much.  If you know me, you might think I have a pretty high self-esteem level.  If you know me well, you know that I fake that high level pretty much every day.  My self-esteem is horrible.  Years of thinking terrible things about myself and believing things I had no business believing have left my confidence battered.  After just 12 weeks of making myself think positive thoughts, working out for a little boy who can't, and sending prayers to HIM with every workout, I am starting to believe that I am a person worthy of what I am doing.  I am worthy of thinking good thoughts about myself and believing that I am beautiful.

My friends and family are AWESOME.  I mean, seriously awesome.  Any time I feel like I can't go on and that I want to give up, I am blessed by people telling me that absolutely can continue.  My husband continually tells me how proud he is of me and that I am doing awesome.  My mom was so great on our trip home and she kept me going.  My friends at the gym are always smiling and telling me how well I am doing.  My kids even keep me going by telling me they have so much more fun with me now.  All of your comments on FB keep me encouraged that I am so excited to keep going.  My support system blows my mind!

I haven't been this physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually strong all at the same time ever in my life.  I don't think I have ever been this physically strong as an adult, in high school maybe, but never as an adult.  Mentally and emotionally I am in such a great place right now.  I am HAPPY.  I am so much more calm than I have been in a long time (not completely calm, I mean come on, I have 3 kids!!).  I feel wonderful about life.  But, the most incredible change is my awesome relationship with God.  HE has helped me in every step of this journey, and I know that HE will be with me through every single step of the rest of my life.  And now with this new life, what an amazing journey it will be!

So, 12 weeks.  12 Amazing weeks.  I can't wait to see what the next 12 weeks bring!

Blessings!

The One In Which I Take A Good Hard Look In The Mirror

Yesterday I posted a picture on my Facebook wall that said,

"Fitness is not about being better than someone else...it's about being better than you used to be."

With it, I posted this:

"I have to remember this every single time a skinny little girl hops on the treadmill next to me and starts running like it is nothing. It is about being the better me!"

On the surface, this seems like a simple message of inspiration, something to keep me going when I find myself comparing my journey with someone else's.  Unfortunately, what I posted was WRONG! Do you see where the problem lies?

It was very politely and correctly brought to my attention by a friend that "skinny little girls" are fighting their own battles.  This friend, who shall remain anonymous sent me this,
"I saw your post...speaking from experience the skinny is not fun!!!!  The battle to stay healthy and try and gain weight is a constant battle.  I stopped going to the gym because the perception was I must have some eating disorder or I obsessively work out."  It was like a HUGE hit over the head.  Me calling a thin woman a "Skinny little girl" is no different than her calling me a "big fat girl".  Wow.  Really, just wow.  Talk about a rude awakening.

Every single day I have to remind myself that I am worth every single thing I am doing.  I am worthy of the changes I am making.  My journey is my journey and my journey alone.  But you know what?  EVERY ONE IS ON THEIR OWN JOURNEY!  Every single person on this planet has their own issues, their own things that they dislike about themselves.  Every single person has that little voice inside them telling them that they are not good enough, strong enough, skinny enough, too skinny, smart enough, too silly, pretty enough, and pretty much every single negative adjective you can come up with.  I apologize upfront for the word usage here, but you know what?  That little voice is a bitch.  That's right, I said it.  

That little voice tries to keep me from accomplishing the things that I know I was meant to accomplish.  That little voice tells that "skinny little girl" on the treadmill next to the "big fat girl" that neither one of them is good enough to be doing what she is doing.  That voice is straight up, completely, 100% WRONG!  We are all allowed to feel as if we are able to accomplish the things in life we want to accomplish.  Psalm 139:13-14 tell us, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."  And then from Jeremiah 29:11, " For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  I don't know how you feel about that, but it gives me hope.  I know that that little voice I hear in my head is NOT from the Lord.  God wants me to have hope.  He made me to have hope.  He made me with a future in mind and that little voice telling me I can't do something goes against that future.  That means that voice is NOT HIS!!

So, whether you are a "skinny little girl", a "big fat girl", a "wimpy dude", an "overweight man", or someone in unbelievably amazing shape that seems to have no worries in the world; we need to band together and STOP this crazy comparison game.  We all have our own battles, our own struggles, our own sorrows, and more importantly our own amazing joys.  Let's join together and celebrate those amazing joys.  Judging someone based on the size of his or her clothes, the poundage of the dumbbell he or she is lifting, or even the size of his or her brain or wallet is ridiculous.  It gets us NO WHERE!  It does NOT make you any better, it does NOT increase or decrease your struggle, it will NOT make you FEEL better about yourself in the long run.  What it will do is make that little voice even louder.  I don't know about you, but my little voice is loud enough.  I will do whatever I need to do to make it shut up.  That includes not judging my fellow man or woman in any way.

I know it isn't a perfect science and I'm sure that judgement will creep in when I least expect it.  But, I WILL be conscience of it and I will work very hard to keep it at bay.  My mind will work toward being a judgement free zone.  Feel free to join me.

Blessings.

PS...I have since removed the original picture, so you won't find it there.

Food Ogre

Nachos dripping with melted cheese.  Cookies with huge chocolate chunks.  A gigantic sundae with all of the fixin's.  A big juicy cheeseburger with a double dose of bacon.

Now that you are drooling, I will tell you that so am I.  In the past 3 hours, I have had a craving for each one of these decadent and calorie busting items.  I am not hungry.  I am craving.  I told myself that I didn't need them.  I tried tricking my brain with something healthy, but sweet.  It isn't helping.  Some part of my brain wants the junk.

Luckily, I don't really have any of this in the house or I probably would have caved about an hour in.  These times are so difficult for me.  I know that I don't need them.  My body doesn't need these things. But that part of my brain thinks it does.  I am struggling today.  It is almost painful.

I'm trying to keep motivated.  I read through my affirmation board on Pinterest (Fearfully and Wonderfully Made).  I prayed that God would take these cravings from me.  I'm writing on here just to keep myself busy and out of the kitchen.  My next thing is to update my planner and then do some serious knitting.  I'm really hoping that I can just outlast the cravings.  Today is my off day from the gym or I would be packing the kids up and heading in.  I am going to try some crunches though just to get moving and maybe shake the dang things off.

I would love to keep everything on my blog positive and upbeat, but real life just isn't like that.  And if nothing else, I always want to be real on here; even if it isn't pretty.  I know this journey I am on will have ups and downs and this is just a down.  But, it is difficult.  It would be so much easier to just give in.  It would be so much easier just to quit.  I know it isn't easier though.  Every single time I have looked in the mirror and cried, I know it isn't easier just to give in.  I will beat this.  Lord, please help me beat this.

Life Saving Measures

I know it has been awhile since I last posted, life just truly got in the way.  Part of that will be explained below, part of it is just life. I am going to try and post more often, I miss writing.  So, if you have been gone too, welcome back!  I've missed you!

This past Monday, I contributed an article to my local MOPS newsletter (The MOPS Bucket).  Our meeting focused on women's health and I felt this was extremely important.  I decided I wanted to post it on the Blog.  After receiving permission from my Mother-In-Law, I am sharing it with you.  I hope it is informative and encouraging.  God is SO Good!!!

LIFE SAVING MEASURES

BY: Theresa Crowell

I remember the day my dad took me to the DMV to get my Driver’s License.  I remember I was wearing a black shirt from Disney World.  Nerves worried through me as I took the written test and the eye test.  Thankfully, I passed them both and was answering the questions to get that valuable piece of plastic card.  I remember the DMV lady asking me if I would like to be an organ donor.  I was so excited and really only paying about half attention, so I told her yes, because she was looking at me expectantly.  I hadn’t really thought through what that little red heart on a license meant and what it would mean to my family 18 years later.

The beginning of November 2012 found my Mother-In-Law, Mary, at the hospital preparing to have what we thought was a routine partial-hysterectomy (if you can EVER call such a procedure routine!).  What happened afterwards was something NONE of our family was prepared for.  It turned out that the doctor had to perform a full-hysterectomy as well as remove many cysts from different organs in her abdomen.  She came home from the hospital a day early though, thinking everything was okay.

A couple of days later, Mary was rushed back to the hospital as she was so weak her legs would barely hold her and she was completely loopy and out of her mind (it is okay to joke about this as we all do now).  It turned out that her ammonia level was INSANELY high (190, when it should be about 20!) because her body was not processing the anesthesia from her surgery.  The day before Thanksgiving, after many tests, the doctors found that not only did Mary have cirrhosis of the liver, but also a tumor in the middle of said liver.

To make a long story at least a little shorter, Mary had a localized kind of chemotherapy which was successful in shrinking the size of the tumor.  Unfortunately, she still had to worry about the cirrhosis.  After much discussion with doctors, hospital administrators and insurance people, it was decided that Mary would be put on the Organ Donor list.

None of us in the Crowell family had any experience with Organ Donation.  We all did our own research, found out none of us could do a living donation for her, and then there was nothing to do, but sit back, wait and pray.  We were all very prepared every day to get the call.  Every beep of a phone was a potential trip to Indianapolis to save her life.

After 3 months on the Donor List, Mary went back in for more tests.  We found out then that she was not sick enough to get a liver and hadn’t really been on the list the whole time.  The doctors did more tests.  Mary was told that organ donation in Indiana is combined with donations from Ohio and Michigan.  When a person is in need of a donated organ, the other 2 states have the responsibility of deciding if the person is sick enough and if s/he will get the organ when one is available.  After about 2 weeks of waiting, the results came back.  Mary was just not sick enough and the likelihood of her getting a liver was extremely small.  None of us knew what to think or even what to pray for.  Did we even want to consider praying that she would get SICKER?  What kind of prayer is that?  We just decided to pray that God knew better than we did and that this was all HIS plan.  This was the Friday before Labor Day.

We all relaxed and let our guard down.  I stopped leaving my phone on at night.  We told our baby-sitters (my parents) that they didn’t have to be on call right now.  We just figured that was it.  We were SO wrong!!

Four days later, at 3:00am on Tuesday morning after Labor Day, Mary got a phone call from Indianapolis.  The nurse on the line told her she had until 5:30am to get to the hospital in Indy.  She was holding Mary’s new liver in her hand.  After a frantic call to my Sister-In-Law to go with them and a call to us to let us know what is going on (talk about a heart attack when the phone rings at 3:30 in the morning!!), they very speedily drove to Indy and pulled into the parking garage at 5:15am!

The docs took her back to test if the liver would be a fit for her.  There was a gentleman on the list ahead of her that was a match for the liver as well and they had to determine which a better match was.  It turned out that the gentleman was too large for this particular liver (we found out later that he received his own liver the very next day!!).  So, God’s plan was showing itself to be very real.  Mary was taken back for surgery.  We were told that it would be a 4-8 hour surgery.  Two hours after being taken back, Mary was headed to recovery.  Eric and I did not even have time to make it to the hospital before she was out of surgery.  We could not believe it when we got there and Eric’s Dad said she was in recovery.  The doctor said the surgery went incredibly smooth and it was almost as if the new liver was made just for her.  Praise God!

Almost everything from that moment on went smooth.  We found out that the tumor in the liver had started growing again.  She would be getting sicker.  But, thankfully, that was NOT God’s plan!  Obviously, there have been a few hiccups along the way, but Mary has done amazing!  Every doctor has been astounded at her progress.  She has an entirely new lease on life, has more energy that she has had in as long as she can remember, and she looks fantastic!  She is enjoying the chance to really spend time with her grandchildren, her children, and her wonderful husband.  It has been incredibly amazing to watch God’s Hand in everything that has happened the past year. 

So, where is this story going?  Well, wait no further.  We know that this was God’s Plan.  But, do you know what the biggest part of His Plan in the saving of Mary’s life was?  It was someone making the decision to be an ORGAN DONOR.  It was someone that simply said “YES!” to the simple question, “Do you want to be an organ donor?” when they applied for their Driver’s License.  It was someone realizing that they couldn’t take it with them. 

I have been an organ donor since the day I received my Driver’s License at 16, but did I really know what that meant?  No, I didn’t.  I now know that if something were to happen to me, then someone else’s life could be saved.  I could give someone else’s family the joy and blessings that our family has received this year.  What a better way to honor God’s plan than to be a part of His plan for someone else?!?!

I encourage EVERYONE to be an Organ Donor!  If you have the little RED heart on your driver’s license, that is GREAT!  I do make the suggestion that you make sure your loved ones know your desires.  Another way is to register online at a site such as Donate Life (www.donatelifeindiana.org).  Another extremely important thing to consider in Organ Donation is would you have your children be donors if something happened to them?  I know that this is something NO ONE wants to even think about, but you should.  Children’s organs are very difficult to come by, but are greatly needed.  There is a sweet young boy named Caleb that was just in the news in Indiana that received a brand new heart.  This young child will now be able to live out his life and it is all thanks to a family that was willing to make a sacrifice.  It is not a pleasant conversation to have with your spouse or loved ones, but I promise it would be better to have it when it is not necessary than it would be in the middle of having to make a decision.

One more thing I would like you to consider is giving blood.  Many people do donate blood and sell their plasma and that is FANTASTIC!  However, do you know that you can donate specific parts of your blood depending on your blood type?  I have O-Negative blood.  That means that ANYONE can have my blood!  Anyone!!  I also have extremely rare O-Negative blood in that I have an extra anti-gen or something (the blood donor people were less than explanative about it!) and my blood is very much in demand.  So, now, I no longer donate WHOLE blood, but instead, they take 2 pints of Red Blood Cells.  It takes a little bit more time, but it is exactly what they need from my blood, so I am happy to donate it!

My point of this article is to make you think and to hopefully open up a dialogue about Organ Donation.  If you are not an organ donor, I am NOT trying to shame you.  I just want you to see how important Organ Donation is and to maybe make you ask yourself if this is something you should do.  Please feel free to ask questions, do your research, and most importantly Do Not Be Afraid. 

Remember that when you die, you are gone.  You will not need your organs after death.  According to the Bible,

“And the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it.” Ecclesiastes 12:7

And

“All go to one place.  All are from the dust, and to dust all return.” Ecclesiastes 3:20.

Finally, just remember that becoming an organ donor is a decision that will save another person’s life.  That person could be a stranger, the mom of 5 down the street, or your co-worker’s child who is struggling with every breath.  The most important thing to remember is to hold true to God’s greatest commandments.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all you soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”  Matthew 22:37-40

FACTS ABOUT ORGAN DONATION

• ·         The Indiana Organ Procurement Organization has helped with nearly 3000 organ and tissue transplants in Indiana since it started as a nonprofit health service in 1988.
• ·         More than 3 million Hoosiers are registered organ donors.
• ·         Anyone can register to be a donor, regardless of age, race, or medical history.
• ·         Organ donation is not managed by hospital staff and happens after all life-saving options are attempted.  It does NOT change a patient’s care.
• ·         Donation doesn’t change the body’s appearance and is done surgically, similar to gallbladder or appendix surgery.
• ·         Donor families do not pay for the donation process.
• ·         Donor and recipient are confidential.  Communication is possible only with consent from both and is facilitated through the IOPO.
• ·         Every 10 minutes, someone in the U.S. is added to a transplant waiting list; an average of 18 people die each day waiting for a transplant.

§   Sources: Indiana Organ Procurement Organization and Donate Life Indiana